Who did I think I was?
Do you ever find yourself getting all ready to do something and being all excited about it...and then all of a sudden reality steps in, and you realize that you can't even do it? Like there is no way you can afford it, or handle it, or even realistically see yourself going through with it.
This is one of the wonderful things that has happened to me yesterday! I was planning this trip to a place i love so much, but have never gotten to go to. Then, I was at cell, and we were doing some of the things that i am going to be doing the whole time I'm away...I hated it!!(I'm just so not into praying for signs and wonders on the streets of TO...I just don't know why, but I'm like bored when it starts...I used to love it.) I wanted to leave, and wait 'till they were done and could drive me back...I then began to wonder...if i don't want to be in this for 1 hour then what the heck am i gonna do for 4 days of it?? And REALITY set back in!!
Who was I thinking I was, that I would still want to be there... But, it wasn't my idea, it was God's he clearly spoke to me that I was to drive there this month and that I was to bring art stuff and rebuild my artistic side all over again! So, what the heck was He thinking? Who does the think I am...i guess i am who he thinks i am...in reality...but I suppose I'm just not seeing it right now.
This is one of the wonderful things that has happened to me yesterday! I was planning this trip to a place i love so much, but have never gotten to go to. Then, I was at cell, and we were doing some of the things that i am going to be doing the whole time I'm away...I hated it!!(I'm just so not into praying for signs and wonders on the streets of TO...I just don't know why, but I'm like bored when it starts...I used to love it.) I wanted to leave, and wait 'till they were done and could drive me back...I then began to wonder...if i don't want to be in this for 1 hour then what the heck am i gonna do for 4 days of it?? And REALITY set back in!!
Who was I thinking I was, that I would still want to be there... But, it wasn't my idea, it was God's he clearly spoke to me that I was to drive there this month and that I was to bring art stuff and rebuild my artistic side all over again! So, what the heck was He thinking? Who does the think I am...i guess i am who he thinks i am...in reality...but I suppose I'm just not seeing it right now.
And the money, it's growing every day! It's costing way more than I was planning for, it's constantly exceeding my posabilities. I have the money, it's just that I'm saiving it for school next year. if God's said go and keeps making things work so it's even possible for me to go, then why isn't He making it so that I can afford it? I just really really would love His help in this right now...
It so sucks that I'm not at all excited anymore!! It was so cool and then I remembered the real me...I'm still trying to get there with all that is inme, because I really want to be faithful in going where God says when God says... So I'll keep pressing on.... Even if it sucks...
posted by Beckers @ 12:08 p.m.
6 Comments:
At Wednesday, May 11, 2005 1:07:00 p.m.,
Beckers said…
My Quizz results...
I am Mirage
"You are 'Gregg shorthand'. Originally designed to enable people to write faster, it is also very useful for writing things which one does not want other people to read, inasmuch as almost no one knows shorthand any more."
At Thursday, May 12, 2005 1:06:00 p.m.,
L said…
Beck, if God asked you to do something then it's up to Him to provide for it. If He says take this amount from what you've saved then you do that and you trust in whatever He's doing. Who knows, maybe this is meant to be a faith journey where you just take off without having enough and God will make it enough. Keep praying on it.
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You went and prayed for people on the street without me???? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ok, I'm not going to be envious. Ok, maybe a little. I totally don't get God. I miss cell. :'(
At Saturday, May 14, 2005 9:53:00 p.m.,
dearbethany said…
i just posted a freaking huge comment and it did not post. I am pissed. let me try again!
At Saturday, May 14, 2005 10:00:00 p.m.,
dearbethany said…
Beck! I was so sad to read the last paragraph of this post. You said 'then you remembered the real you'. I happen to know that you have a really bad idea of who the real you is. You are incrediable, and so many people see it, know it. I know right now it is hard for you to see, and even harder for you to believe. I pray that one day you will see you for who truely for 'who you really are'. There is something huge for you, you are an AMAZING investment in the world...to God and people. The good thing is that you do not have to do anything to get yourself there. Even if you do not believe in yourself, we will believe for you until that time comes. And it will my dear. One day you will see you. I am so disgusted at the attack you have been enduring for so long...blinding you from yourself. I don't know what you have been seeing...but lovey...it is NOT you. You are a joy. You bring peace to situations that blow peoples minds. You have grace, and dignity, and intelligence, and understanding...and you know God WAY more than you give yourself credit. Like I said, one day you will believe it yourself. This step that you are taking to go to KC is amazing, and you know deep down that it is a good thing. It will be worth while somehow. Nothing is going to wreck it...perhaps you feel that way...like you will go and be disappointed somehow...but it is A GREAT THING!!! I am proud of you.
I love you.
chin up smoochy poo!
At Saturday, May 14, 2005 10:00:00 p.m.,
dearbethany said…
YAY. it worked.
At Sunday, May 15, 2005 9:58:00 a.m.,
Beckers said…
Bethany...I love you, you know me too well!
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